I have been meaning to write for a while now. I’ve just felt the need to put a lot of what I’ve been going through in paper; or in this case a computer screen.
There is just something “safe” about writing. It allows you to say what you are feeling in silence that can yelled louder than a scream. I’m not even sure how coherent this blog post will be, I don’t think it will be my usual happy, lighthearted, funny blogpost… but bear with me.
Or, run for your lives while you still have the chance.
Whooo… well, where do I start?
First of all I have got to say I am SO thankful for life. For all those moments that make you smile, especially those with people–family–who are so close to you. The laughs they gave, the smiles they caused, the tears they wiped, the arms that embraced you, the prayers for you–these are actions that stay with you, that are permanently etched in stone inside your heart.
Then there is the feeling of joy that you know that the person you loved–that you love–is free from pain at last. That they have graduated into a much better place than this world could ever be. Finally completely free.
But there is this other part of you.
This part inside that sometimes doesn’t know what to feel. That says you’re feeling ok as an automatic reaction to the never ceasing question of “How are you feeling? How are you doing?”
In a way you really are doing alright, I mean… you’re not submerged in depression, but at the same time that’s not completely true because at the moment you can’t know if you will ever fully be “alright” again.
Though, of course you know you eventually will be.
But in all honesty, HOW do you answer that question!?–“How are you?” You’re alright, but you’re not. GOD, there’s a huge hole inside you, you miss that person like crazy. That’s not alright, but how are you supposed to say to someone, “No. A big part of me is missing. My friend who knew me since I was in my mom’s tummy, who changed my diapers, who put me to sleep, who kissed away my ouchies is… GONE.”
Like WHOAH! Way to hand over a land mine to a poor innocent soul who dared to ask… the question.
But it’s not like I’m going through mayor depression either. Because through Jesus there is this amazing HOPE that you know she is in a better place. That she is happy. That she is truly okay. I can’t help to be happy for her, just imagine the joy! That is one thing I am so thankful for, to know that we can have that hope, that amazing hope that death is not the end.
It’s just… it scares me that sometimes if feels so normal. Like, aren’t I supposed to feel more? I know the first few days it was just… overwhelming how much you felt, the tears, the emotions… but now sometimes it’s like a daze. You’re not happy, you’re not sad, you just don’t feel the energy to do anything sometimes, but it’s not… wrong. I don’t know how to rightly explain that.
I want to be happy, I know she would want me to, I want to move on, but it sometimes frightens me when I plaster a smile on my face just saying I’m okay or that I’m happy she is in a better place free from pain, which I really truly am happy about that, but sometimes I feel like it’s an automatic reaction, like it’s not authentic.
And I feel terrible about that.
I know I’m not supposed to always be strong, but there is a part of me which feels WRONG to feel that way. Or, to not feel.
Instead of receiving Christmas letters or thanksgiving letters you receive “I’m sorry for your loss” “Comfort in your suffering” kind of letters. Like, THIS ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING!!! Why is this happening? How is it happening? Is it really happening? Stop!
Okay, if you are feeling confused, don’t feel out of place. I’m honestly confusing myself right now! heheeh
Now, what I’m about to say is very important, if you have read anything, you must read this. I most certainly do not want this to come across as “Oh! Windy, poor girl, she is suffering so much right now… She must be comforted. Battling depression…oh nooo! I must come to her rescue!”
Okay, yes, I am sad, I do miss my grandmother, but believe me when I say I’m not… ahh, how do I say this… abolished? It’s not a 911 call for help, just mostly the need to figure out my feelings by typing them down, if that makes sense? And making you the poor, powerless figure who has to read through all that confusion.
Yes, I know. Sorry.
Like I said, I know I’m not without hope. I know I am securely wrapped in Jesus’ arms and I know I can always lean on Him when things get rough and I feel I can’t stand on my own. I know my grandmother is shinning brighter than ever. She is with her greatest love, how can you not be happy about that? But it’s just the need to put it all down, to let you know I’m okay. Confused, but okay.
I want to thank you all so much for being there for us and just supporting our every step through prayer. That really is what helps us stay afloat at times.
I hope this doesn’t permanently scar you for life or that you’re too scared to even peek at my blog ever again. I promise I’ll probably get back to my joking self in no time. *wink*
Okay, must sleep. Goodnight!